Caramel's TGirls

I initially met Courtney online and within a few weeks, we met in person at our local Gay Pride center where live meetings are held for our local TG/TS community. Courtney was there not to meet me specifically, but to discuss her relationship and to acquire helpful information about how to understand being involved with a transgendered partner in a live setting with full-time and part-time transgenders and other genetically born women like her with the same issues. We hit it off as friends and I’m so glad she’s given me the opportunity to discuss her situation that’s not rare, but seldom discussed at any great length and depth.

Caramel: Hey, Courtney. It was so great meeting you at the TG/TS discussion group. Were you initially nervous about engaging with a group of transsexuals about your life and current events involving your relationship?

Courtney: I guess I was a little nervous, mostly that I wouldn’t be accepted or that the members of the group would feel like there was no way I could understand them and was barging in on their turf.  It seems so silly now because everyone made me feel incredibly comfortable.

Caramel: Do you think you ever would have explored the transgender lifestyle if you weren’t in a relationship that involved transgendered issues?

Courtney:  I’m a very open-minded person, and I also try to educate myself on anything that interests me.  I think eventually I would have done some kind of research on the lifestyles of transgendered people, but being in this particular kind of relationship really jump-started my curiosity.  It is an issue that I care deeply about, even more so now that I have a loved one dealing everyday with these issues.  I voted in some important local elections in favor of TS/TG rights, and I hope to become an activist for TS/TG rights in the near future.

Caramel: How did your boyfriend “come out” to you about dressing as a girl and expressing to you that he might seriously pursue transitioning someday?

Courtney: My boyfriend and I had a great relationship from the very beginning.  We were always open with each other.  He had told me early on that I made him more comfortable than anyone else he dated had.  Just a couple months into our relationship, we were laying in bed, making out, and he just came right out and said he liked to wear women’s underwear, that it really turned him on.  I responded with, “Okay.  Do you want me to buy you some?”  That’s when he went over to his dresser and pulled a pair out saying, “No, I already have some.”  He put them on and was obviously very excited.  But after we had sex, he put them back on and layed on his tummy on the bedroom floor and started to draw (art is one of his many passions).  That’s when I knew it went further than just enjoying putting on women’s panties every now and then.  I knew it wasn’t just a sexual fantasy.  Women’s clothing seemed to make him comfortable, even when sex was the last thing on his mind.

A few months passed, and his panty wearing became more frequent, but I never mentioned that I thought there was more to it.  I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable.  He started asking if he could wear some of my clothes.  I bought him several pairs of panties for Christmas and a mini skirt for his birthday in March.  Somewhere around that time he brought up his cross-dressing.  It was obviously something he had kept hidden, something he felt almost ashamed about.  He told me that around puberty he started to think what it would be like to be a woman.  I’m not exactly sure how long he had been experimenting with women’s clothes, but I know he had never really gone through with it entirely (i.e. makeup, lingerie, dresses, wigs,  and high heels all at once).  We had several conversations, and each time we spoke he confided in me a little more.  He eventually told me that he wanted breasts more than anything.  He said he wanted men to look at him and want him, the way they do a hot girl.  I understood what he meant, and it hurt to even imagine what it would feel like to be so uncomfortable in your own skin.  It took me many months to understand fully what he wanted – breasts but no SRS, the ability to live life as a man at times and a woman at others.  I think that is what confuses him the most.  He really enjoys being male sometimes.  He has never hated that he has a penis. But he hates that he can’t enjoy both sides of his personality freely.  My boyfriend still isn’t sure if he wants to transition.  I ask him to see a therapist who specializes in TS/TG issues, but he hasn’t as of yet.  I have faith that one day he will figure out exactly who he is and what he wants.

Caramel:  One thing is for certain. It’s not going to just go away. “Coming out” to you was a big step for him.  That took a lot of trust. It’s great that he has a mate who’s supportive. So many women would freak out and leave if they knew their partners crossdress, let alone considering actually transitioning at some point. He’s very lucky to have you.  Do you ever worry that you’re encouraging him too much or not enough?

Courtney:  That has actually been a major concern of mine.  My boyfriend is still not completely comfortable with himself.  It breaks my heart, but he has said on many ocassions, “I just wish I wasn’t like this.”  To be completely honest, I was all for it when he “came out” to me.  There was a time when it actually even turned me on a bit. It was new, fun, and exciting.  Sometimes he would tell me that I made him too comfortable with cross-dressing, like it was this horrible fetish I was encouraging in him.  Like I said, he really has not learned to accept himself the way he is yet.  But as reality set in, I began to wonder if I really could handle this.  I want a family someday, something I never really had, but because of his transgender issues, my boyfriend really doesn’t want to have kids.  I believe in being completely honest, so I told him about my fears and concerns.  Of course, it hurt his feelings.  He told me he would do anything to keep me there.  He even packed his panties, bras, skirt, heels, and dildo away, saying, “This way I won’t think about it and want to do it as much.”  I felt horrible and didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want to stifle out who he really was.  I didn’t want either one of us to be unhappy, but our futures seemed to be headed in two opposite directions.

Fortunately, since then, I have gotten over my initial fears.  They are still there, but they do not consume my thoughts like they used to.  I love him too much to let this get in the way.  We’ll deal with everything as it comes.

Caramel:  I don’t think he falls under the categories of crossdresser or transvestite because he’s had gender identity issues at such a young age and this is obviously not a fleeting sexual thrill.  If he’s not ready to venture out in public dressed yet, do you think it might help if he expanded his female wardrobe?

Courtney: I agree.  This is not just a sexual thing.  It runs much deeper than just cross-dressing.  Expanding his wardrobe of feminine clothes may help a little, but I think the issue runs so deep, that this alone will not cause him to be comfortable going out in public.  My boyfriend thinks very much from what I call “The Straight Man’s Perspective.”  He’s looking to pass, and he is not comfortable with going out as just a cross-dressed man.  He really wants to be truly perceived as a woman, and he probably won’t be seen in public until he is convinced this is possible.

Caramel:  I’ve dated a few genetic females seriously and the best relationships I’ve had were with women who were bisexual or bi-curious.  I can’t even imaging dating a totally straight genetic female. Do you think it’s easier for bisexual and bi-curious women to deal with having relationships with transgenders and vice-versa?

Courtney: I most definitely think it is easier for bisexual/bicurious females to be in relationships with genetically born men who identify as transgender.  Some may consider this an overgeneralization, but I’ve never been one to filter my beliefs for fear of offending someone.   In my opinion, all people are bisexual.  Sexuality cannot be measured on a straight line with “completely straight” to the far right, “totally homosexual” to the far left, and bisexual smack dab in the middle.  If you really feel the need to measure sexuality, it should be done on a circle because everyone has varying degrees of “homo” or “hetero.”  I really wish the general population could get rid of their “need” to label humans as gay, straight, or bi – we are just SEXUAL beings.  While not everyone agrees with me, people who identify as bisexual or bicurious usually do.  Most bisexual/bicurious people have a fuller, more open understanding of how sexuality works, and they tend to be much less judgemental.  Also, identifying as bisexual myself, I know that being attracted to both sexes makes it much easier for me to play along when my boyfriend switches looks and/or roles.

Caramel: I really love that reply for a multitude of reasons. You’ve answered all my relationship questions very candidly and thank you for that, Courtney.

We share a common interest in photography, pinup specifically. I’ve been a big fan of models/performers like the late Bettie Page and Dita Von Teese.  When did your interest in pinup begin to develop?

Courtney: You really know how to speak my language!  First, I get to talk about TS/TG issues and now pin ups!  I’m pretty sure I just had a brain orgasm.

Well, to understand my love of pin ups, you need to understand a little about my upbringing.  My father was 47 years old when I was born.  He grew up in Baton Rouge in the 40s and 50s, born 3 weeks before Pearl Harbor was bombed.  So I’m sure you can imagine the unique culture he was able to impart to me.  Whenever I would ride in the car with my father, we would always listen to the classics like Patsy Cline, Chuck Berry, Etta James, Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Louis, Otis Redding, and so many more artists that really defined the era.  He used to tell me stories about hanging out at drive-in restaurants and movies.  He painted a vivid picture for me that would remind most of movies like Grease.  I remember being in high school and feeling like I had been born 50 years too late.  Whenever I would get frustrated with boys I dated, my thoughts would always go back to shake shoppes, oxford shoes, and high school girls falling madly in love with young army men who would sweep them off their feet and marry them.  Why couldn’t that have been me?  I yearned for the days when “courting” actually existed.

But my love for pin ups didn’t really become a passion till my freshman year of college.  I was in Hot Topic one day, and I saw a poster of Bettie Page.  I had to have it!  I knew the name but had never really seen any pictures.  From the moment I saw her, I was hooked.  I had always been made fun of for having dark hair and pale skin, but here was a woman who looked just like that and was absolutely stunning.  Bettie Page’s curves were perfect, and I had never seen a smile like hers – cherub-like and cheeky with an ever so slight hint of “I’m not really as innocent as I look.”  She was chaste and sexy as hell all at the same time.

It was about this time when I started to get more involved with the tattoo culture as well.  I was actually trying to get an apprenticeship at the time.  One day, I was surfing the internet for some tattoo ideas when I decided to look up “pin up.”  That’s when I came across the true life and art of Norman Collins, better known as “Sailor Jerry.”  I loved the romance of the pin up – a sailor stationed in Hawaii gets a pin up girl tattooed on his arm to remember his time in the military or a special lady he may have met during that time.  I must admit, his cruder tattoos such as the “Aloha Chimpanzee” really captured my heart as well.  I bet Mr. Collins was a real riot to be around.

I started researching how to do the hair and makeup.  The first time I dressed like a pin up, I went all out.  I looked into the mirror and thought to myself, “This is it!”  For the first time, I felt like an adult.  I felt sexy, confident, and classy.  I was unstoppable!

Caramel: “Brain orgasm.” I love that. You’ve taken some great pinup photos yourself and I know there are a lot more to come. There’s a fine line between art and porn and I know that you’re still not sure where your career path might take you in the future. It could be teaching or perhaps writing. Is it safe to assume that you’re not planning to do any pornographic print work?

Courtney:  I don’t see a problem with pornography, whether it’s video or print.  But it’s just not for me.  It takes a special person to be able to do that, one who is mature enough to handle it, understands the risks, and has tough skin to deal with the haters.  I do plan on being a professional one day, and though it’s sad that so many American people are this judgemental, doing porn will most likely come back to haunt me and prevent me from getting the career I deserve.

Caramel: I love erotic art, literature and photography that pushes the edge, but I love hardcore porn as well.  Bettie Page explored and helped bring bdsm into the mainstream with Irwin Klaw and other photographers. Do you have an interest in softcore bdsm modeling also?

Courtney: I know she did and I love that Bettie Page was such a boundary-pusher.  Did you know that her bdsm pictures are actually what started the government’s censorship on pornography?  Everybody has their thing, something that differs from the norm and turns them on.  BDSM does it for a lot of people, but it’s not really my thing.  Don’t get me wrong, some light spanking every now and then can really spice things up, but I’m not in to whips or spike collars.  I may consider some softcore bdsm in the future, but I would prefer to establish myself as a pin up model fully-clothed first.

Caramel: I didn’t find out about how the government’s censorship affected Bettie’s career until I’d been a fan of her work for years. The 2006 film “The Notorious Bettie Page” with Gretchen Mol touched on it at the end, but I had to do some research on my own to learn more.

Does your family know that you’re as open-minded as you are and if so, how do they feel about it?

Courtney:  I’ve never really had much of a family.  My father was very abusive to me and my mother.  He denies everything that happened, so needless to say, I don’t have contact with him.  I have a strong distaste for people that don’t take responsibility for their actions.  Sadly, even though he grew up during an era of great change, he is still very closed-minded.  I have a feeling he would flip his shit if he knew how liberal I am.  To be quite honest, I take a lot of pride in knowing that.  My mother’s family is also quite closed-minded, and I’ve always felt like the black sheep.  I try to keep the liberal talk to a minimum around them, mostly because getting in to an argument with any of my mother’s family would be like talking to a brick wall.

My mom, being raised around intolerant people and married to one, used to be caught off guard by me.  But she is slowly coming around, and I know that she’ll love me no matter what.  I was visiting my mom not long after my boyfriend came out to me.  We were in the car driving to pick up some food, and I very frankly told her, “My boyfriend is transgendered.  So you’re gonna have to get used to it because there’s a good chance he’ll be around for a while.  He may even be the father of your grandchildren someday, and I don’t want you making my kids think there is anything wrong with transgendered people.”  Of course, she was shocked, but I’ve always been incredibly independent.  She knows I mean what I say, and I do as I please.  She also knows that I have a lot of love for humanity, and she respects my opinions and decisions.  I’m awfully lucky to have her.

Caramel:  I can totally relate since my father was also abusive to my mother and I. You can probably guess what his abusive issues with me were based on. My mother, like yours is perpetually shocked and surprised by my lifestyle, but we’re still very close. Both of my parents and their families were and still are pretty closed-minded too, so I understand a lot of what you had to go through.  It’s not easy to talk about but nice to know you’ve got friends who understand.

You’ve got a lot of talents and you also wear a lot of hats; being student, a nanny, a bartender and a girlfriend. You’re also into music and writing. You’re one of the busiest people I know.  How do you manage to juggle all these things and still have time left for Courtney?

Courtney:  Don’t forget lap dance and pole dance fitness instructor!   You know, just a year or two ago, I would never have been able to juggle so much.  I used to get upset with myself for forgetting so much and getting burnt out.  I started seeing the most wonderful therapist for people with chronic illnesses.  I also began seeing a chiropractor.  With my back finally in proper alignment and all the stress management techniques I learned in therapy, the genetic disorder that used to run my life was no longer an issue.  I have my health back, and I thank God every day for that.  I started exercising more, eating right, and taking the proper vitamins.  My mind was no longer consumed by worry or stress and was free to function efficiently.  I swear that is the only reason I get through my day.  I also have ADHD that I choose not to treat with medication, so keeping a tight schedule keeps me on task.  My advice to people trying to juggle a hectic life and still have time for themselves is, “Learn to kill two birds (or even three) with one stone.”  For instance, teaching my lap dance and pole dance classes has more than one benefit.  Not only is it great exercise AND extra money, but I get to spend much needed “girly-time” with wonderful women and know that I’m helping them and myself to feel more confident.  You have to MAKE time for yourself.  Remember that if you aren’t taking care of yourself, there is no way you can help anyone else.

Caramel:  That’s great advice and thank you so much, Courtney. I definitely see a follow-up interview in the future with you if you’re up for it.  You’re living a life that so many people would love to learn even more about, especially me.

If you’d like to know more about Courtney, she’s at MySpace!