December 28, 2011
Amber Lynn is a 25 year old pre-op transsexual model and writer who provides a valuable service for those who are interested in dating transgender women. Her resources also point out a staggering abundance of misinformation that gives men the wrong idea of how to treat transgenders. In my opinion, Amber is the leading T-Girl Coach with a wealth of advice about how to approach transgenders and what to do when they find someone they’re attracted to. Before we begin with our interview, you can get a FREE copy of her T-Girl Dating Guide.
Caramel: Thanks for doing this interview with me, Amber. I love your work.
Amber Lynn: Thank you for the encouraging words Caramel. It’s my pleasure to chat with you.
Caramel: At what point did you realize that there’s a serious lack of information about how and where to meet transwomen and how to succeed with transgender love and romance and when did you decide to do something about it?
Amber Lynn: Early on in my transition I was interested in dating but my experience was less than satisfactory. I joined a couple t-girl dating sites and started getting out to local nightclubs. I met and dated quite a few men but most of them left me feeling cold as ice. It’s not that they were bad people. It’s just that they had this unrealistic idea of how to treat a t-girl. A lot of them treated me like a sex object – like a prostitute they had just met on the street. Some of them were very awkward and didn’t know how to romance me. Don’t get me wrong. I like sex as much as anyone, but you have to know how to treat me like a lady if you expect some lovin’.
I started talking with the men I met and learned that most were very nice guys. They just needed a little more understanding about the different types of t-girls and how to treat us. They also were at a loss for how to meet t-girls and what to say to us. They often used the wrong terms and said all the wrong things. They looked in the wrong places and ended up meeting the wrong types of t-girls. I started helping them to understand the beautiful diversity among the t-girl community and this whole t-girl dating coach thing just developed.
Caramel: What are some terms that men should not to address someone he’s interested in getting to know?
Amber Lynn: It’s a very important question. Guys should probably just use female pronouns when addressing a t-girl. We all have our own tolerance levels about labels. Most of my t-girl friends despise terms like shemales and chicks with dicks. Many also hate the term tranny. There are really lots of different types of t-girls so a gentleman who unknowingly uses the wrong term may be shot down before he ever has a chance.
Caramel: A lot of men don’t really know the difference between crossdressers, transvestites, transsexuals, fembois and drag queens. Do you find it that it’s easy to help them make those distinctions, or does it take some time?
Amber Lynn: I think that depends on the guy. If he’s serious about wanting successful romantic relationships with t-girls, then he’ll take a little time to learn the differences. It really isn’t difficult and knowing the difference will help a gentleman narrow down his search for exactly the right type of t-girl for him.
Caramel: What if a guy is in a long term relationship with a transwoman, but he’s afraid to tell his friends and family about her. Is this a recipe for disaster?
Amber Lynn: I wouldn’t be in a long term relationship with anyone who is ashamed of me so yes, I’d say that would be a recipe for disaster. Now, I’m talking about long term relationships and not just casual dating. I don’t expect to be paraded around during the first few dates. It’s ok to take a little time getting to know each other before introductions to family and friends. If a gentleman introduces me to his friends and family and chooses not to talk about me being transgender, that’s fine. In fact, that’s great. On the other hand, if he won’t take me near his friends and family, that is a red flag. It indicates a lack of commitment to the relationship. It might indicate that he’s ashamed of me and that’s definitely a recipe for disaster.
Caramel: Most admirers appreciate the time and effort that we put into our appearance and I’m often told that many believe that we work much harder at it than genetic females. Do you think that most men whom are interested in transgenders feel that way?
Amber Lynn: Oh yes! One of the most common things I hear from male admirers is that they appreciate the femininity of a t-girl. They may not understand just exactly how much time and effort it takes us to look gorgeous, but they certainly appreciate the outcome. I believe the fact that we embrace our femininity is the very reason many straight men are attracted to us in the first place. It’s nothing against genetic women, but we tend to spend more time doing our makeup, choosing feminine outfits and taking care of ourselves. Men appreciate that and respond to it.
Caramel: Many would love to date a transgender woman, but are too shy to approach one. Do you have a built-in radar that alerts you when a guy is attracted to you, yet too awkward to introduce himself?
Amber Lynn: I’ve become more aware when a gentleman is attracted to me than I used to be. When I go out to a nightclub it seems there are always men who want to chat with me and may be attracted, yet many of them don’t come up and introduce themselves. They are either too shy or don’t know what to say. Everybody has their own style, but I think the best bet is to just walk up and say hello. Sometimes I’ll take the initiative and just start up a friendly conversation to see where it goes.
Caramel: Let’s say a guy who dates regularly has been very successful as a result of following your advice. He’s still is on the fence however about his preference for transwomen and genetic women. What are some of the things should consider when trying to make a decision about which group of women to date more seriously and possibly settle down with?
Amber Lynn: My first impression is to just date and follow your heart. Where is your passion? That can tell you a lot about where you want to focus your attention.
There are lots of men who just want the experience of being with a t-girl. Others consider long term relationships exclusively with a transwoman. If a man is on the fence he needs to take some time to think it over carefully. He should probably express that with his romantic partners. Open communication can help him explore and resolve any doubts in his mind. He’ll need to consider whether he can be comfortable in what many consider to be an alternative lifestyle. Will he have insurmountable problems with family, religion or something like that? Does he want children? That would be an important consideration although there is always adoption as an option.
I think a lot of men are capable of being attracted to either a genetic woman or a transwoman, and once they are in a relationship they remain monogamous. It’s a personal decision that has to be made and sometimes a man will be exclusively with a genetic woman in one relationship only to become exclusively involved with a transwoman in the next relationship, and vice versa.
Caramel: What advice do you have for other transgenders in regards to relieving the apprehension that guys have when it comes to approaching us?
Amber Lynn: That’s a really good question because it goes both ways. We frequently talk about all the mistakes men make and how they need to smooth out their approach. But it works both ways. T-Girls need to be approachable. So often we may feel insecure and end up sitting in a dimly lit corner as if we’re terrified that anyone will notice us. Try to break out of that shell. Be friendly and engaging. You’ll be amazed how others respond and you never know who you’ll meet.
Caramel: Some people might think that a transwoman wouldn’t need any advice on how to meet and date other transwomen, but many do. Do you think that your advice in many cases is, for lack of a better word, interchangeable?
Amber Lynn: Oh yes, I do think much of the dating advice I give is based on good ol’ common sense and it applies to everyone regardless of the type of dating. That includes transwomen who date each other. I do find that we understand each other a little better from the outset so there isn’t usually the awkwardness we see with a lot of male admirers.
It’s a fact that a lot of t-girls date each other. After all, who could understand you better than another t-girl. In the second edition of my dating guide, which I’m working on now, I focus more on dating from the t-girls’ perspective.
Caramel: I’ll definitely keep up with TGGirlfriends.com and thank you again, Amber.
Amber Lynn: Thank you for the interview Caramel. You’re a sweet new friend.